Meesh and The Sliding Doors

This one is a quickie.  We were leaving the hospital for our bi-weekly baby check-up (all is well on the western front...blue skies, baby is head down and the belly button has popped something fierce I tell ya') and as we approached the sliding glass doors (see thru glass doors mind you) Meesh catches her reflection and says "Oh my God I'm huge!"  I try to stop her from saying anything else...I nudge her but as we walk through the sliding doors she continues "I am seriously enormous!"  Well, it was obvious to me then that Meesh did not see what I saw through said see-thru sliding doors.  A woman, bless her heart, easily 460 pounds on the hoof just minding her business on a bench right behind the SEE THRU doors we walked in.  How you couldn't see her, bless her heart, is beyond me.  Like standing in the Grand Canyon and not seeing the canyon itself.  

*footnote:  if you are white don't say you feel black when approaching Malcolm Jamal Warner and when you're pregnant don't say you're the size of a house when you're approaching someone who is, bless their heart, actually the size of a house.  But I guess if see-thru sliders are involved then have at it.

Baby Class Begins

We took our first birthing class last night at Golden Bridge Yoga Center in L.A.  If you walk into that place judging, expect to leave a mad kabbalistic-buddha-loving-barefoot-wheatgrass-gulping-delivering-your-baby-in-the-Dead-or-Red-Sea kind of guy.  I swear, after last night, I want to take Meesh and the belly she rode in on over to some nook or cranny in the ocean (preferably a shallow, shark free zone) and deliver our child whilst a band of berkenstock wearing viola players and floutists play Laura Nyro while our baby swims out a vagina, through salt water and up through a wave.  Did you know babies can stay under water for a long time when they are born?  longer than a mermaid or a dolphin.  Well, not that long...but they have this magical breathing stopper in them that knows how to survive under water for extended periods of time.  Oh, and they can fly and stuff.  God, babies are amazing.  And I'm having one.  WHAT?  I AM HAVING ONE.  And wicked soon, too.  Shit.

So, we are in birthing class along with eight other couples.  Our teacher (yogi name is Amoona..real name is Lisa) asked all of the moms-to-be "what do you do when you are in pain?"  The first girl giggles and says "reach for a pill."  The class laughs and laughs.  The second girl wanted some of that laughter too so she responded "like her, a pill or PILLS...and I do breathing exercises."  Third girl responds "I take walks, listen to peaceful music...and take pills."  The class explodes in laughter.  I, on the other yogic hand, am judging and I certainly ain't laughing.  Come on pregnant ladies, the joke is up.  Pill.  Pill.  Pill.  Got it...we all like vicodin and valium but please, please no one else use that answer.  One more woman and then Meesh.  I am praying that neither of them answer PILL.  But I am praying harder that even if the woman before Meesh says PILL that my betrothed will not dare utter the word.  She can't right?  She knows what a comic snob I am.  Even in a temple of enlightenment I can't bare to hear lovely pregnant women giggling through the word Pill.  Well, woman before Meesh says Pill and the audience gets kind of crickety.  They too are tiring of that answer.  No more yuck yucks.  PLEASE MEESH...PLEASE DO NOT SAY PILL.  WE WILL BE THE LAUGHING STOCKS.  THE PEOPLE AFTER THE PEOPLE WHO FAILED WITH THE JOKE.  IF YOU SAY PILL THEY WILL THINK WE ARE THE MOST UN-FUNNY of all the UN-FUNNIES in all THE LAND.  Meesh says PILL.  I start sweating.  But she says it in such a way...such a learnED comedic way that she was both hoping for a laugh but commenting on the beat-a-dead-horse-ness of the word itself.  Whatever combo she used in her delivery, whatever that magical melody...they laughed...they were charmed...they thought "ooh, she's clever" and "i like the way she had an ironic twist on Pill."  

I stopped sweating.  And thank God...we can go back to class next week.  (no joke, I might have had to give us both detention had Meesh's Pill answer flopped.)