It could have happened in Los Angeles. The morning before we left for Italy. At 8 a.m. we did that thing called "trying." Still confused about that expression "we're trying to get pregnant." Correction, "we're banging...a lot...on a cycle in fact...one according to ovulation and moons and tides and the Princes of them..." We're trying to get pregnant is like "I'm trying to win lots of money at the blackjack table by the pool at the Atlantis." You're playing blackjack and if luck strikes you will find colorful chips in front of you. If my sperm does a great breast stroke, Phelps style, I will find chips in front of me, too. Blackjack, babies. There's no trying in Babesball.
But, it may have been that morning. The morning that the 'moons' were so powerful...bed shaking, head hitting wall and back nearly breaking. At the 'climax' of this story, I yelped for two reasons. One was...well...and the other was that my back done thrown out. Never have I felt more Jewish. More not 25. Great preparation for Daddy-hood. I spent the next five hours on stretching machines and big, bouncing balls. Being cracked and massaged. My neck could not move. If I had to move my neck that meant I had to move my body. I was basically Vicki from Small Wonder. I had to fly from Los Angeles to Rome with this. I had to go to Rite Aid and buy heating pads and Icy Hot and on a happy note, fill my prescription of Vicodin (yay) and Ibuprofen (boo). But if all of this pain meant we were....errr...meant SHE was pregnant well then who the fuck needs mobility.
Warning: If SHE is following an ovulation cycle, a calendar of BEST MOMENTS TO GET PREG, beware. You will have to drop your pants whenever she calls...albeit en route home from work, on a lunch break from work, in the wee hours of morning before sun rises, before sun sets, before you can think...brush your teeth...while you're dreaming, blacked out from drinking. It doesn't matter. She want it...she gon' git it.
p.s. getting an erection on command is up there with farting on command, being funny on command or remembering the Bush Doctarine on command.
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2 comments:
ahhh.....reading the blog of someone funny & sweet & precious to me, feels connecting......
But reading This blog as you navigate pregnancy & fatherhood & all that big boy stuff, now that is fabulous, love it Matt, just love it
I know i will look fwd to reading this as much as i look fwd to reading my cuz's blog who is teaching in korea for a yr, she too, is funny & sweet & precious to me
thanks for starting this blog while u r on this life journey
how about if you don't let your husband even go to work cause of your cycle...
Love you more than words...
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