You Get What You Get (when you're with Jewish People)

I warned Meesh.  Don't complain about having "sausage toes" (in quotes because she said it, not me.  I think her toes are lovely, dancer-like even or as my mom likes to say "actorly") especially when we are in the company of people of the dreidl persuasion.  I told her.  "Meesh, you might want to NOT say how big you feel and how much you hope your belly goes down once the baby is born" at a table filled with Jews (for some reason, all I can hear in my head right now is the theme to the film JAWS because it just works when discussing the JEWS...not that they're SHARKS ala Bernard Madoff but that they kind of, how do you say it in America...attack!)  You see, you can not toss out bait with our people.  You think fish like worms on hooks?  Amy Winehouse likes needles with heroin?  Octumom likes attention?  Well guess what everyone, Jewish people like weakness.  Tell them you feel fat and here is what happens:

JEWISH DAD

"Listen, what can I tell ya?  You're pregnant.  For thousands of years....

JEWISH MOM

"Millions...listen to him, thousands....

JEWISH DAD

"Fine...millions.  (he whispers out of the crook of his mouth) "Isn't she annoying..."

JEWISH MOM

"Heard it..."

JEWISH DAD

"Wanted you to."  (he continues)  "Anyway, you're pregnant.  The baby will come when the baby will come.  You're body will be what you're body will be.  You'll go to the gym and you'll breast feed.  That baby sucking on those nipples will help you thin out..."

JEWISH MOM

"I wish you sucking on my nipples could help you thin out..."

Meesh knew I was right about this one.  She swore never to complain about feeling sausagey at a table filled with Matzah eaters again.  

**Note, the events of this story are oddly true.  I must keep the identities of the JEWISH MOM and JEWISH DAD a secret.  

**Double NOTE...I love being Jewish and laughed my ass off while the story you just read occurred.