The Things Wigged Women Say

We live on a street filled with wigged, skirted women and peyas having men (the Jewish locks of hair that bookend a pre and post Bar Mitzvahed face.)

One family, in particular, has really managed to bring out the ghetto in me (and I'm not talking about a communal, walled dwelling.)

First off, their house is like a clown car.  At least 40 Jews live in it at any given time.  And apparently they prefer parking their broke-ass vans on the lawn instead of the driveway.  And for some reason there are always chicken bones on their property (throwing up yet?...wait) and when I walk the dogs I have, on ocassion, had to rip bones out of their mouths (puking?)

Yesterday, the Jewish Octumom (I don't how many kids they have but I swear it is like Gremlins up in that bitch...everyday a new one) stopped me on the sidewalk to say "So your wife...she ehhh...gave birth?"  I nod YES.  She goes on to say "So when is your dog giving birth?"

She points down to Thursday (an 11 pound chihuahua/jack russell rescue.)  I say "She's not pregnant."  The Hebrew Octumom giggles...a devlish giggle.  "But she look pregnant...she's fat."  I say "She's actually in great shape."  I start to walk away and she calls out "I get one of her puppies for my kids?"  In my mind I turned around and said "Listen bitch, she ain't pregnant and I hope one of your vans rolls off your LAWN and flattens you!"  But instead I turned around and said "Sorry, did you not understand me, sweety?  She IS NOT PREGNANT.  MEANING, SHE IS THE OPPOSITE OF PREGNANT."  I continue walking and I hear her maniacle laugh.

Later that day, one of her kids (a 7 year old boy named Shmoolie...I kid you not) saw me walking Thursday and as per usual he ran across the street to play with her.  I said "You shouldn't run across streets and you can't play with my dog."  He said "Why?"  I respond "Because of your mother."  I walk away.  Shmoolie says "I get one of your puppies?"  In my head I turned back and beat Shmoolie up but then I remembered I can't because he's 7 and I am a Dad.