Things I will be doing from here on in:
1. Blasting Simon & Garfunkel instead of N.W.A. (come on, I'm a theater Jew - I've been blasting Simon & Garfunkel, Joni Mitchell, Dan Fogleberg and West Side Story since I can remember blasting anything)
2. Watching PBS at night instead of flipping from Real World/Road Rules Inferno to Half-ton Mom on TLC (would prefer my baby not even know that a human being can eat 10 big macs in one sitting)
3. Not allowing anyone who says "Like" and "Umm" and "Do you know what I mean?" near Meesh's belly.
4. Keeping annoying people very far away so as not to give the baby the option of thinking we are lame as that will obviously come in due time.
5. Bringing the belly around as many funny Jewish people, Black people and British people as possible as I find those people to have the best comic timing.
6. Religious people...sorry, can't come round. Don't want the baby to hear preaching.
7. Marianne Williamson can preach because I like her voice. She has a great timber. As does Suze Orman. Rachel Maddow. Chris Matthews is in. No more The View. Letterman, Stewart and Maher are in. Sorry, Colbert is out because the baby might take his fake-republican persona literally.
8. There was a man I knew years ago with a bubble in his throat. A permanent throat bubble. He can't come round as I don't want the baby to think we hang out with frogs. However, on second thought, I do want the baby to have an endless imagination and that includes the belief animals talk so I guess I have to do a Facebook search for Bubble Throat.
9. If the baby could smell I would not allow Meesh anywhere near the Hasidic household down the street. It's just that one household. I am not in any way making a sweeping statement. Those are my "people." Well, not really. I'm only a conservative Jew so as I've said before, I'm Irish-Catholic to them.
10. I will continue to tell Meesh that she is the MOST, the bees to my knees, the light in my otherwise dark, dark night. I will, however, stop telling her that I would love to hump her and play with her pregnant boobs.
2 comments:
heehee. this was a fun post. i can't wait to see THE BELLY. i promise to be funny despite my caucasiony catholicy dirty blonde roots. hey when you say you will not let annoying people around, aren't you glad the baby cant read facebook!? it's kinda what makes HEARING so special. it only applies to REAL LIFE friends. fancy that. human contact and such. i liked that you mentioned bubble in this post. that is my little brother's word of the month. i kid you not. he gets stuck on words and this is the one-- as in, how's your bubble? my bubble itches. my car won't start something is wrong with it's bubble. and so forth.
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